The Chronicles of Crack fic
by omnipotent otaku
Summary: Various Narnia crack pairings written for the lulz. Because life without crack!fic is not worth living.
1. Chapter 1

I'm in a lulzy mood. So, uh, you get this. :D

* * *

Mr. Tumnus sat alone in his cave, waiting for his love. It had been days since they had seen each other, and he missed his love terribly.

Mr. Tumnus and his love had decided early on to keep their relationship a secret. They would meet out in the snowy woods in the dead of night, contently watching the moonlit snowflakes fall and sparkle like crystals.

Eventually two realized it was stupid to meet in the woods during snowstorms and trying to rationalize it with similes wasn't making them any warmer, so they decided next time they would meet in Mr. Tumnus' cave.

At last Mr. Tumnus heard the door to his cave open. He went and approached his love and planted a kiss on his love's cheek.

"Did Father Christmas bring any new toys?" Mr. Tumnus asked in a sweet, low voice.

Father Christmas laughed softly. "Only for you, my dear Tumnus."

* * *

And that's why Christmas didn't come to Narina. 8D


	2. Chapter 2

I have a very strange mind, dontcha know.

* * *

The night was cold but Mr. Tumnus stood in the dark of his cave without lighting a fire. He tapped his hoof impatiently and a little apprehensively. One of the beavers had quite nearly seen him and Father Christmas together the other evening, and he hoped there were no rumors spreading. The two had decided they would meet one last time in Mr. Tumnus' cave and after that they would stay low for a little while.

After a few moments of waiting, he heard the door to his cave open with a slight creak. Mr. Tumnus smiled as Father Christmas came into the room.

"It's so dark in here, Mr. Tumnus," Father Christmas said as he wrapped his arms around the faun.

"We don't want to be found out, of course," Mr. Tumnus replied, nuzzling Father Christmas' fluffy white beard.

Suddenly, the door to the cave burst open and in came Mr. Beaver, swinging a lantern and looking scandalized.

"_Father Christmas_!" he cried. "How DARE you!"

"What's going on?" Mr. Tumnus asked, pulling himself away from Father Christmas.

"That jolly fat twit is cheating on me with you, that's what's going on!" Mr. Beaver exclaimed.

All of a sudden the White Witch burst into the room, looking horrified. "Mr. _Beaver_," she hissed. "You were going out with Father Christmas behind my back?"

She raised her wand to exact revenge on him but then Aslan leapt into the room. He glared at the White Witch. "Oh, so you prefer the Beaver over me?"

"Aslan, you and the _Witch_?" Mr. Tumnus said. "And White Witch, you and-Well, at least I'M faithful to my love."

Reepicheep suddenly materialized, crying, "Mr. Tumnus, I perfected the art of _time travel_ for you! And you go off with Father Christmas!"

"Enough!" Aslan said sternly. "We've all been cheated on one way or another. There can only be one way to settle this."

"How?" the others cried at once.

Of course, in the back of their minds, everyone knew the solution. They all glanced around, eyes eager and expectant.

Many thrilling and sweaty hours later, the group finished their riveting game of Dungeons and Dragons and left on friendly terms.

* * *

To be honest, I had no idea how to end this. I hope you liked it, though. :3


	3. Chapter 3

Eh, I was bored.

* * *

It was a lovely snowy evening when Mr. Tumnus answered a knock at the door. His visitor was Mr. Beaver.

"Oh, what a pleasant surprise!" Mr. Tumnus said. "Do come in for tea, Mr. Beaver."

"Thank you Mr. Tumnus," Mr. Beaver replied, stepping inside.

It wasn't long before the two were situated in front of the fireplace, each holding a cup of hot tea. They were silent for a minute or two, until Mr. Beaver said, "I haven't seen you since last week, Mr. Tumnus. Horrible, wasn't it?"

"Oh, yes," Mr. Tumnus responded, frowning a little at the mention of the incident. It was indeed a horrible incident. Last week was when Miss Squirrel and Giant Rumblebuffin were to be married. The ceremony was quite lovely until it was time for Giant Rumblebuffin to kiss the bride. Since she was so small, the unfortunate Miss Squirrel was accidentally inhaled by Giant Rumblebuffin. And, since Giant Rumblebuffin had to bend over quite low to kiss her, in his surprise at swallowing his bride he toppled over and crushed most of her family.

"Anyway," Mr. Tumnus said, eager to change the subject, "how have you been, Mr. Beaver?"

Mr. Beaver's eyes darkened. "Oh, Mrs. Beaver ran off with a centaur."

Mr. Tumnus nearly dropped his cup of tea. He gaped at Mr. Beaver, quite unable to believe it. "I-I'm quite sorry Mr. Beaver, I had no idea-"

"Nothing to be done about it, though," Mr. Beaver said sadly.

Then, there was a knock at the door. Mr. Tumnus went to answer it and to his amazement, a centaur stood at the threshold.

"Is Mr. Beaver here?" the centaur asked.

Mr. Beaver stood up and went to the door. Mr. Tumnus moved to the side.

"I thought I saw you heading this way, Mr. Beaver," the centaur said. "I need to talk to you."

Mr. Beaver scowled at him. "About my wife, you mean?"

"Yes. You see, uh, I... I thought she was you."

Mr. Beaver and Mr. Tumnus both stared at him. The centaur dropped his gaze to the ground and he twiddled his thumbs. "Er, well, you and Mrs. Beaver both look exceeding similar and I saw her in the woods and I thought she was you, and I told her I loved her and she didn't say anything and I tried to bring her back to my cave and then she said that she hopes I realize she's married and I realized my mistake."

"So... you love me?"

"Very much, Mr. Beaver!" the centaur cried, his face turning pink.

Mr. Beaver smiled and said, "Well, if my wife ran off with you, I suppose I can, too. Shall we?"

"Let's!"

The two strode out into the woods hand-in-hand. Mr. Tumnus was left forgotten and alone.


End file.
